image by Colin Brough
Last fall, I was struck by unexpected the urge to run. I was
walking through the sprawling cemetery near my house like I’ve done for years,
when suddenly my body wanted to move fast.
I was always the kid picked last in gym class, staring down at my Adidas’ while
everyone else got snatched up for team sports. In middle school, I once tried
to break my leg to get out of playing volleyball. When I was only left with a
few lilac bruises on my ankles for my efforts, I convinced my pediatrician to
write a note explaining that my chronic sinus infections rendered me unable to
participate in gym class.
Though unlikely, especially at the age of 38, the strange
desire to run was persistent. It felt like I had little bolts of electricity in
my body, pushing me to be fast. I was also drawn to the efficiency of running; as
mom to two young children, I don’t have much spare time, and I knew I could
accomplish more physically on a short run than on a long walk.
And, approaching 40 and mired in the beautiful and boring
tasks of child-rearing, I needed to prove that I could still surprise myself. Maybe
even surprise those grocery clerks who kept calling me, ‘Ma’am.’
A good friend of mine told me that she had just started
training to run using an app on her phone called Couch to 5K. The eight week
program alternates bursts of jogging with sweet respites of walking. It
gradually increases the amount of time you jog until you are ready for a 5K. I
decided to sign up for the Mother’s Day 5K in May; I would have eight months to
make it through the eight week training program.
After loading the app onto my phone, I again headed to the
cemetery. My phone instructed me to jog for 90 second intervals between longer
stretches of walking.
But I didn’t know how to run.
As I tried to pick up my pace, my body felt disconnected and
jerky. The asthma that had lain dormant for years suddenly reappeared. I felt
like a middle schooler on the dance floor—what was I supposed to do with my
arms? Why wouldn’t they coordinate with my legs? I also feared I would make the
dreaded porn face that so many runners make; the scrunched up, concentrated
face that looked a lot like intense pain.
Some days, just to keep going, I pretended I was running
away from my children.
Every once in awhile, when I stopped thinking about it so
much, my arms and legs synched up. My brain got quiet. Endorphins sparked and
rushed through my blood. The music from my phone slipped into my muscles like
cold milk sliding into a glass.
As fall progressed, the bite of cold in the air pushed me
further. With the crunch of melon-hued leaves beneath my feet, I jogged past
headstones with names like Sterling and
Ruth and Eliza. It was impossible to not think of aging and death. My body
would not always be so healthy and capable. Sometimes, with the sound of my own
heavy breath, I heard myself whisper to my body, to the universe: thank you.
Other days, I had to drag myself out the door. I would jog
and walk, jog and walk, wondering why the heck I was doing this to my poor old
body. Loud thoughts would scamper through my head: Do they make Spanx for running? Would it be embarrassing to have a
heart attack during a light jog? Then, from my phone app, I would hear a
pleasant, female voice announce, “You are halfway.” Shit, I thought. I am only halfway there?
image by Ariel da Silva Parreira
When hills of snow obscured the ground, I joined a gym. My
feet pounded the rubbery black treadmill. Slowly, I was improving. But every
few weeks, I’d twist my knee or my back would seize up, and I’d take a week or
two off from running to recover. When I started up again, I would dial myself
back a week on the Couch to 5K program.
Suddenly, it was April. Despite my consistently inconsistent
training program, I had still not managed to make it past week five of the
Couch to 5K program. The Mother’s Day run loomed near. Ancient, negative tapes
in my mind hissed at me: You’re a loser. You
never finish anything. You’re no athlete.
Being in the middle of the human life cycle seems like a
good time to challenge those old, unhelpful thoughts and patterns. To ease
deeper into myself and let go of perfectionism and competition.
So I reframed my expectations. I wasn’t a loser because I
was walking in between running. I was freakin’ amazing because I
ran in between walking!
And then my husband started asking, “Are you excited about
the race?”
Race?!?
I really hadn’t thought about the run being a race before. The word reactivated
those nasty voices in my head: You’re
going to lose the race! You will come in last place!
Fortunately, I’d promised to do the race with a good friend.
While I was ambivalent about the idea of letting myself down, I’d be damned if
I would break a promise to a friend. I decided I would walk as much as I needed
to. My only goal was to finish, and to run at least a little bit.
On the day of the race, it drizzled.
Maybe they’ll cancel it, I thought. They didn’t.
My friend and I situated ourselves towards the back of the
crowd of people at the starting line, alongside elderly joggers and moms pushing
strollers. While we stretched a bit, I worried: What if we run at different paces? What if I come in last place? What
if I have to pee?
We started.
We jogged by my husband and kids, who stood on the sidewalk
beaming at me. I reached my hand out to give them a high five. The feel of their
little hands on mine propelled me forward. I was following through, doing
something good for my body. I was teaching my kids by example, even if I did
come in last.
A few minutes into the race, we reached the top of a small
hill. I looked forward. The road ahead was a river of moving people, a rainbow
of bright T-shirts.
We jogged, and pretty soon we were passing people. My friend
and I braided in and out, in and out, our paces perfectly synchronized. I didn’t
make the porn face because I was too busy
smiling. I brushed my bangs, wet from the rain, out of my eyes.
We didn’t talk much, except to occasionally check in with each other.
“You okay?”
“Yep, you?”
I caught slivers of conversation from the people we passed and the people who
passed us. “The antidepressants help me think better…”
“Jimmy is almost done with school…”
“It’s all downhill from here!”
While we ran, I thought about the lives of these people
running with us. I thought about them the way I sometimes do when I’m at a
stoplight and I watch other cars streaming past: I watch the drivers’ faces:
solemn or angry, heads bobbing to music or chatting away on their cell phones.
When I’m quiet and present, I love these little snapshots. I love watching
these people I might not ever meet, who just happen to be here at the same time
as me, alive at the same time. So beautiful, so temporary.
We ran and ran and we didn’t stop. I took in all the
different body types of the runners and walkers: stocky, muscular, lithe, round
and everything in between. All the same and all different. All here now, moving.
Because we could, and because we won’t always be able to. I heard once that the
electrical energy field of the human heart extends out several feet beyond our
skin. I thought about all those hearts working so hard. Maybe it was the heat
of all those humming and pumping hearts that kept me running.
You are halfway, I
thought. Right in the middle. Of my messy, lovely life. Of all these people.
The race ended in a baseball stadium. As we rounded the
finish line, I was still smiling. We did
it, I said to my friend, my body finally slowing down to a walk. I searched
the crowd of spectators for my family.
After the race, I got an email with the results. I came in
somewhere towards the back end of the middle.
If I’m lucky, I am only halfway through this achy, gorgeous
life. I might not ever run a seven minute mile. But for that uncoordinated
little girl who loathed gym class, that little girl who is still so completely
me and
not me at the same time, a 5K
is a miracle. Learning to run, to sink into my muscles in a deeper and
different way, is a miracle. It’s a metaphor for being more comfortable and
stronger in my own skin.
On Facebook, I’ve noticed several friends have also recently
started running. My husband is training for a five mile run. I love that in
this middle place of life, we can still surprise ourselves. We are halfway.
Did you take up running, or something
else surprising in the middle of your life?
